MULTI-CULTURALISM AS PATHOLOGY 

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act" -- George Orwell 

Show me the Proust of the Papuans," Saul Bellow is reported to have said, "and I'll read him. 

But because ADD is so vaguely defined, even for a psychiatric disorder, 
it is tailor-made for bogus claims. The American Psychiatric 
Association's latest diagnostic manual concedes "no laboratory tests 
that have been established as diagnostic" for "Attention 
Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder."-Richard E. Vatz, Professor, Towson 
State University, "Attention Deficit Delirium," The Wall Street 
Journal, July 27, 1994

Why bother with State Department travel advisories anymore? You might 
as well travel anywhere because you don't go to these terrorists they 
come to you. 

You do know how the Arab tradition of getting down on their hands and 
knees and crawling around on carpets got started? Mohammed lost one of 
his contact lens.

Sister Theresa asked the children in her class what they want to be. 
Imedia said "I want to be a prostitute." The Sister was shocked. "What 
did you say?" "I want to be a prostitute." "Thank God. I thought you 
said you want to be a Protestant."

The Germans have no speed limit on the autobahn. You can invade 
Luxembourg and be home for dinner.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and 
persuade themselves that they have a better idea.-John Ciardi

There are lots of people who cannot think seriously without injuring 
their minds. John Jay Chapman, American historian mentioned by Barzun 
in his new book From Dawn to Decadence.

In a true multicultural society, Barnes and Noble would not only have a 
section on addiction recovery but two more, one on how to get addicted 
and another on how to stay addicted. 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. --
Mark Twain

I crossed the border into Canada and began seeing "Drink Canada Dry" 
signs everywhere. That's a helluva challenge for a huge country with 
such a small population. They might do better keeping to cross country 
skiing. --Stephen Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need? --Stephen Wright

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in 
society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if 
you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not -- 
Mort Sahl 

New England bluebloods are genetically incapable of tongue-in-
cheek humor. They can't get stretch them around to reach their  cheeks.  

Gums don't kill people. They just help us eat. Gingivitis kills people because they are limited to a liquid diet. So exercise your Second Amendment right. Hunt cavities with your dentist.

NEW YORK JOKES 

Most people, sometime in their lives, stumble across 
truth. Most jump up, brush themselves off, and hurry on about their 
business as if nothing had happened." -- Winston Churchill

The major concerns of Upper East Side Manhattan Liberals: 1. 
Conservation of national race horses. 2. Violins on television 3. 
Soviet jewelry 4. Endangered feces.-Gilda Radner 

I frequently go to the Barnes and Noble on Broadway and 65th Street 
across from Lincoln Center, Julliard, The New York Ballet as well the 
Met and the NY Philharmonic. It's a terrific place to pick up on any 
new zigzag in liberal fashion, old violas, new girls, pay $4 for a cup 
of coffee and read all the books you can squeeze into eleven hours. 
I asked the guard at the entrance, "Where is history?" Then I saw the 
sign behind him. "Oh! third." But as soon as the escalator got to the 
second floor I realized I wanted to look for some travel books. So I 
came back down. 
"You back so soon. They didn't have what you were 
looking for?" "No," I said. "I found a shortcut through history." 

Another time I asked a busy Vassar-like miss where I could find Bernard 
Goldberg's best-seller "Bias." It was number one on the New York Times 
list the Sunday the paper decided it would be best not to publish. "Right in 
the back, way back there." "Can't you see it?" "No, not really. Not 
even with these high-power binoculars. But that doesn't matter. I 
already own it. Do you think others can see it?" "I only work here," she 
said. "You only work here and I only ask questions here. We ought to 
form a partnership." 

Liberals and Feminists never practice censorship. They just offer a 
safe menu. The New York Times. 
This reminded me of Claudia Cohen, owner of Politics and Poetry bookstore in 
Washington. She sacrificed thousand of dollars not to carry Drudge's 
book. 
"You can't speak here." The rest of the country was gobbling it 
up. Now that's unselfishness! 
But you have to give Hitler credit for the same high motive. He said "You know how much it cost the party to burn these books by Jewish authors?"  

Any country that publishes 62,000 new books 
every year is looking for answers in the wrong places. If these book 
came even close to an answer, there would only be three or four new 
ones. Besides, Americans are functional illiterate. Who is reading these books? We have to found the five people who are and help them stop their compulsive behavior. 

To wealthy New York liberals just mention immigration and you're a 
fascist. I say agree with them quickly so you can cut to the quick. Their catechemism requires a multi-cultural society. To accommodate their noble goal and immigrants will be housed in huge public developments in their high income neighborhoods.

To separate the chaff from the wheat on affirmative action those who go 
on television and take the "high" ground against "the racists" should 
commit themselves on videotaped that if they ever need brain surgery 
they will allow themselves to be operated on by a doctor who just 
squeaked through under affirmative action by taking three years in med 
school of remedial biology. A guy owns a catering business and was 
extolling how hard his help works. They are from so many different 
countries. I said "no wonder. How could they organize a strike?"

New York City is honey-combed with subways underground. Liechtenstein 
has one huge vault excavated under the whole country to keep unnumbered 
accounts.

What country has the highest number of terrorist cells? The United 
States. How do they get into this country? Are you kidding? This is the 
only country easier to get into than out of. 

"I'm against sex education in the early grades. But not for any moral 
reason," an elderly mother in rolled down sox and a Cheap John Outlet 
shopping bag said. "Trying to teach sex education to third graders is 
like trying to teach your dog to understand enough about income taxes 
to fill out your return."

I ordered a corned beef sandwich at the Stage Deli near Carnegie Hall. 
You need a vise to hold the sandwich together. They kill one steer per 
sandwich. It's a bargain at $13. The restaurant uses duffel bags 
instead of doggie bags. I told the waiter I had a problem. He had to 
seal mine airtight. "You see, I am the main speaker tonight at a 
vegetarian's convention." 

The waiter asked if I needed a menu. "No, I'll just have a cup of 
coffee and a 1 lb. steak on an English muffin." 

I was crossing Fifth Avenue at 42nd Street when a cop stopped me for 
jay-walking. I told him I don't even know how a jay walks.

Population experts predict that English will be the second language 
within 10 years. In some places in Manhattan, it already is. These are 
high-risk places where misinformation is already a killer. Like 
hospitals. "Hello, I am calling to make an appointment with Dr. White" 
"Who?" "Dr. White." "Would you spell that?" "Spell it! White as in the 
color." 

A police captain was talking at the cash register to the manager. "I go 
to the track at Belmont once a year." I said to him, "You mean you lose 
that much?" He handcuffed me and threw me into his basement. 

I just walked into Tower Records and a salesgirl stopped me. "What can 
I do for you.?"  Really?  "Where?" "And how illegal?" were the only 
questions I asked her. She laughed just before she threw a stack of 
Liberace CDs at me. 

Is that table alright?" the diner's manager asked me. "I don't know. 
What are the neighbors like? Are they quiet?" "I've been watching them. 
Very nice," he assured me.  Carpenters are applauding the bigger and 
bigger editions of the Sunday New York Times so all the news won't fit 
under doors unless 15" are cut off it.   ''Over the hill?'' After a 
poker game, my friends and I exercise by jumping over mausoleums.

CURE FOR STUPIDITY IS DOLLARS

In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made 
school boards. Mark Twain My problems all started with my early 
education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers. Woody 
Allen I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a 
kid there was so little of it. -George Burns

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 
in students."-John Ciardi  I've never let my school interfere with my 
education." (Mark Twain) THE DOCTOR IS WAY OUT

Remember amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.  

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 
people. W.C. Fields Doctors ask you to set an appointment six months 
advance. How do you know you'll still be sick and not dead?

If drinking, smoking, and carousing kill people, what kills people who 
live right?

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 
people die past the age of a hundred. -George Burns A man went to his 
doctor who gave him six months to live. The man was unable to pay the 
bill so the doctor gave him another six months!

A doctor called the coroner's office and said, "Could you change that 
death certificate I handed in this morning? I wrote my name in the 
space marked 'Cause of death!'"

The rural doctor came out to the farm to check on the farmer's wife. 
Arriving, the doctor felt dry. He walked over to the well to bring up 
some cool water, but he slipped and fell in. The moral is that a doctor 
should take care of the sick and leave the well alone!

Medical science has increased our life span, So how come you never meet 
a woman over forty?

The doctor said, "I can't quite diagnose your problem. I think it must 
be the drinking." The patient said, "All right, doctor. I'll come back 
some time when you're sober!"

Bob, my pharmacist, posted a sign "Closed Saturday the 11th & 18th 
during August. Please anticipate your needs accordingly.  "Bob," I 
said, "after you're finished using the sign, maybe you could rent it out 
to funeral homes." 

EVERY OTHER DAY REASON TAKES A VACATION AT NANTUCKET Psychs gather like 
lemmings for summer vacation at Nantucket.

When he was a little boy, Woody Allen's mother was already taking him 
to the psychiatrist. "He refuses to do his homework," she complained. 
"Woody," the psychiatrist why won't you do your homework?" "Because the 
universe is expanding and soon it will turn around and collapse. What's 
the point in doing anything?" "I tried to tell him that Brooklyn is not 
expanding and that's all he has to concern himself with." As you 
journey through life you will encounter all sorts of nasty little 
upsets, and you will either learn to adjust yourself to them or 
gradually go nuts. Groucho to Son, Arthur What luck for despots that men 
don't think. Adolf Hitler  Nice idea, Adolph. There's only one flaw. 
You don't have to be a genius to corner most of the toy soldiers. 

Talk about dogs. Who was doing that? If this were really a dog eat dog 
world would they be selling so much kibble?

These crazy people. They go around muttering to themselves, "should I 
buy the cemetery plot or go to Bulgaria on vacation?" I always advice 
them "Get a cemetery plot. You can always go to Bulgaria."

Reverse profiling saved lives in the Washington area sniper attacks. 
Police stopped and questioned the actual killers right after their 
first bulls-eye. They stopped them on a minor traffic violation-- 
sleeping in the fast lane of the Washington Beltway during rush hour. 
"Have you seen a white van with a white man?" asked one of the cops 
backing up traffic thirty miles. Notice the phrase has a rhythm to it. 
"No sir, but there's one over there." And by golly there it was. 

Madness is a very healthy sickness. If it were not for my madness, I 
would have gone insane long ago. -Professor Irwin Corey

With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I 
didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of 
make-believe that's worse than regular life. -P.J. O'Rourke

All men are mad but the humorist who cares for nothing and possesses 
everything. -C.K. Chesterton

Why ruin a good story with the truth? -Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? -Woody Allen

I'll bet you didn't know a Montreal Jewish Center offers a course in 
"How To Vote In Florida Elections."

I live in such a fancy town when I called the exterminator he accused 
me of being paranoid. Henny Youngman

I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks. Sir Winston Churchill 

They say psychiatry can't be fooled. I got out of the draft by fooling 
the test. I told a drunken sergeant that I was a Quaker. He said, 
"What's a quaker?" So I showed him my Parkinson's condition.





In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used frequently to take 
my advice. Churchill One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a 
Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you 
want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said 
the cat, it doesn't matter. Lewis Carrol, Through the Looking Glass If 
we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going. 
Professor Irwin Corey


Courage is getting away from death by continually coming within an inch 
of it. Chesterton

"How has your day been?" the restaurant manager asked.  "Well, I don't 
know. It's only half over." It's like the kid who says to his father, 
"nobody likes me." His father says, "how do you know, you haven't met 
everybody yet." I haven't met the entire day yet, so I can't say.


I fall asleep at the wheel during the day. I can't sleep nights and 
asked only that my company under the Americans With Disabilities Act to 
help me by putting me on the night shift  The company runs ice cream 
bicycles concessions at beaches.. My employer asked me: "How many 
people do you except to chase after you because they crave an ice cream 
at 4am." My doctor put me on medication. The form asked, "Identify 
medication, if any." I wrote in "Iridescent Orange."

I went to a strange movie last weekend. The lights dimmed and the 
audience was encouraged to act out their fantasies. Out of it all came 
divorces, wife-swapping, statutory rape and suicides by six people 
unable to confront their latent homosexuality. Once the mayhem dies 
down, the multiplex plans to expand this unique family entertainment.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. 

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the world and get an 
apartment of my own.-Jay Leno

Pope John XXIII had enormous opposition to Vatican II. He was asked how 
many work in the Vatican. His answer "About 50%."

At my age starting out as a standup comic is unrealistic. So I've 
decided to start out slanted. My comedy will be scream of consciousness 
delivered from a couch in honor of Professor Fraud. Every once in a 
while I will get up. Then I will lie and revert to recollections of the 
Clinton administration. 

CAPITOL BLACK HOLE 

Henry Kissenger speaks an English dialect, a combination of throat 
cancer, intellectual gibberish and a German accent he has cultivated 
since he came to this country at the age of nine. Even his mother 
doesn't understand him and she came from the same house in the same 
town her son did .

Politics is like marriage. If your politicians lie a lot to you it’s no 
different from a cheating husband lying to his wife. If it works, it’s 
because that’s what you want to believe. There are two kinds of 
government. One collects taxes and the other sends in death squads. 
Don't say any government represents its people. That's cruel. No people 
on the whole could be as ugly as their rulers. Assuming either the Left 
Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably 
fly around in circles. -Pat Paulsen

The only form of transportation faster then European high speed trains 
is flying into a rage at U.S. airports.

When Congress announces a reshuffling of the government like Homeland 
Security, which is Republican and bigger than FDR's whole New Deal , 
it's like a murderer deciding to redecorate his apartment after he 
stabs his girlfriend dead and her blood splatters on the walls. You 
know, the blood leaves clues otherwise. 

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if 
it were administered prior to the crime. -Woody Allen

If we can't end crime in the streets, at least we can keep it off the 
sidewalks. -Pat "Third Party Candidate" Paulsen. 

I could only think of one other reason I came in last in the election. 
Bias. I was the only member of the human race running. 

I once made the mistake of buying a used car formerly owned by a little 
old lady in Chicago who only used it for going to vote. It had 114,000 
miles on it. Henny Youngman

Half the American population no longer reads newspapers: plainly, they 
are the clever half. -Gore Vidal

No diet can remove all the fat from your body because the brain is 
entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do 
is run for public office. 

I was talking to a nice man who talks to dead people. I couldn't 
rightly tell whether he meant the living dead or the ones nailed in. But 
that distinction doesn't apply to politicians. After a while, they're 
all the living dead.

If I were Israel, I'd be looking around for another ally. Or even 
better, go it alone. Imagine our ally, France, in the Revolutionary War 
telling Washington in 1781, "Give the British New York and New England. 
They deserve a homeland here in the New World." 

I once said cynically of a politician, "He'll double cross that bridge 
when he comes to it." -Oscar Levant

An election is nothing more than the advanced auction of stolen goods..
" -- Ambrose Bierce Politics is the art of seeking trouble, finding it 
everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. -
- Groucho Marx Politicians prove Columbus wrong. The world is crooked. 
DECLINE OF JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING

Quick Recipes To Make Your Life Easier and Your Husband Eat Out

And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste 
much more like prunes than rhubarb does.-Groucho Marx



A new religion appeared recently in Southern California. It's members 
worship doctors. Worshippers can buy indulgences which entitle them to 
a meaningful reduction in services. They get a special waiting room. 
That guarantees they will see the doctor within 48 hours of their 
appointment, except on weekends, holidays and Wednesdays, when doctors 
usually plan golf.

She was a mere child, but a whore when Benny saved from the streets. He 
took her in and gave her room, board and his poker pals.

The trouble with the rat race is that, even if you win, you're still a 
rat." -Lily Tomlin

Child psychology and child psychiatry cannot be reformed. They must be 
abolished" or paid off -Dr. Thomas Szasz, Professor of Psychiatry 
Emeritus.

One day my father took me aside and left me there. 

My father asked for breakfast in bed on Father's Day. So mom put a cot 
in the kitchen. All males may be congenitally bad but they are not 
quick change artists. Fathers overeager to spoil their children before 
divorce suddenly can't become heartless. That sounds more like Dr. 
Jekyl and Mr. Hyde than anything you'd find outside of the Journal of 
Psychiatry. Inside the Journal of Psychiatry that's all you find. The 
journal is mainly autobiographical. 

A neurotic builds castles in the air and a psychotic provides the 
venture capital and becomes the landlord, bullying the neurotic until 
he vacates. Then the psychotic, the Donald Tromps of the world, make a 
windfall. That's why most psychiatrists are rich. They're psychotics 
feeding off our neuroses. 

THE PERMANENT HOT WAR

We are volcanoes. When we women offer our experience as our truth, as 
human truth, all the maps change. There are new mountains.- Ursula K. 
Le Guin ~ Now you know why normal people, females as well as males, make 
wide detours around volcanoes. All that comes out of them is the hot 
garbage from inside the earth's core. Besides most are dormant or 
extinct.

Women do not, by and large, make terrific criminals. We men have to 
help them overcome this weakness. In the United States, women commit 
only three crimes more frequently than men. The first is shoplifting and 
the second is towing the shop away usually after dark to a location 
where they can ransack it at their leisure. And they don't even return 
it.

I went to the supermarket Sunday evening about 7pm. The few cars looked 
like stragglers about to leave. A guy sat in the car next to mine. "Is 
the market still open?" "Yes, my wife in there shopping." I answered, 
"but that doesn't mean it's still open. Women love shopping even in 
closed stores." He came right back with "Do you know my wife?" 

All mothers are single mothers. Never has a child come out of more than 
one uterus. Networking just doesn't apply.   You are like Springtime, 
older than last winter, but not as old as I am. 

And fathers are a blessing, too, they give the place a tone; In fact 
each child should try and have some parents of its own. Edgar A. Guest 
Considers the Good "Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe," 

A couple checked into a hotel right next to the railroad station. The 
only room left in town. The man goes out to take a walk, the woman lies 
down to take a rest. All of a sudden, a train goes by at about 100 
miles an hour and the vibration from the train knocks the woman out of 
bed. Ten minutes, another train comes by so close that the vibrations 
knock her out of bed again. She calls down and complains to the manager.
She says, "What kind of hotel is this? A train came by so close that 
the vibration of the train knocked me out of bed twice." The manager 
sarcastically says, "I'd like to see that!" She says, "Come upstairs." 
He comes up. She says. "Lay down in that bed for a minute." He lays 
down. Just then her husband walks in. "What are you doing in that bed?" 
He says, "Believe it or not, I'm waiting for a train."

In a recent study men and women remembered dull pictures equally well. 
But when it came to emotion-charged images, like money, women were more 
likely than men to remember, the investigators found.

I told me wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then 
she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and 
a bartender.

Nature has its agenda higher than even the Court of the Supreme Beings. 
Humorist Orson Bean and his wife gave up their New Age optimism. "We 
gave our two girls hammers and the boys dolls. We went through all that 
political correctness stuff as good liberals. And it didn't make the 
least bit of difference. At the age of six our daughters were dressing 
up as mistresses and the boys were pursuing a life of petty outlaws." 
That's why there are no children on the Supreme Court. Too much reality 
would be blinding.

BESSIE BRADDOCK: Winston, you're drunk! WINSTON CHURCHILL: Bessie, 
you're ugly. But tommorrow I shall be sober. LADY ASTOR: If you were my 
husband, Winston, I'd put poison in your tea. WINSTON CHURCHILL: If I 
were your husband, Nancy, I'd drink it.

My father had always said there are four things a child needs: 
nourishing food, regular sleep and soap and water. After that, what 
they need is some intelligent neglect. -Ivy Baker Priest, United States 
Treasurer during Eisenhower Administration.

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. 
Families aren't dying. They're merging into conglomerates. -Erma Bombeck

I was sure when the preacher asked me whether I take this woman, my 
answer was "where?" and not "yes." 

No wonder it is called the state of matrimony. Whoever successfully 
seceded without a bloody civil war?

An 86 year-old couple went to a lawyer for a divorce. When asked why 
they stayed together so long, the old man replied, "We wanted to wait 
until all the kids died. -Steve Allen

I was looking for chicken filets that cook faster than I get bored. The 
stock boy was a nice kid. I asked him whether the store had the item 
because I couldn't find it. "Tomorrow," he said. "Look if I were a 
woman I'd sleep in the back of the store. But a man doesn't come back. 
For him it's like prison. Only if he gets caught does he come back." 

A LAWYER'S LIFE IS NOT A HAPPY LOT Don't jump to rash conclusions. This 
is not necessarily autobiographical. "... ours is a sick profession 
marked by incompetence, lack of training, misconduct and bad manners. 
Ineptness, bungling, malpractice, and bad ethics can be observed in 
court houses all over this country every day ... these incompetents 
have a seeming unawareness of the fundamental ethics of the profession. .
.. the harsh truth is that ... we may well be on our way to a society, 
overrun by hordes of lawyers, hungry as locusts, and brigades of judges 
in numbers never before contemplated." -- Chief Justice of the United 
States Warren Burger quoted in Time, 27 June 1977

Judge: I think we will break for lunch at this point where the 
defendant allegedly has his hand up the woman's dress and leave it there 
until we return. Judge: One year and a $50 fine. Defendant's lawyer: I 
would like to make a motion to have that sentence reversed. Judge: All 
right, fifty years and $1 fine. Anon

Last night on TV I saw an ad urging us to save some endangered 
predatory bird. I thought for a moment it was a public service ad for 
the local bar association. 

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest 
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck 
over.  He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"  "I'm going 
to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.  "No problem, 
Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest 
climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the 
road.  Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and 
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a 
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back 
away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain 
he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding 
where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't 
see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I 
almost hit that lawyer."  "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him 
with the door!"  Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 
full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands 
weren't met. 

Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him. 

A doctor told his patient that she had only six months to live. "Isn't 
there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the 
doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life." 

Did you ever watch a judge interview a child in chambers? Think of W.C. 
Fields running a daycare center.  Sometimes a man who deserves to be 
looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a 
lawyer.  Montesquieu, Persian Letters, XLIV, 1721 

There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found 
to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge 
remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so 
punctual and polite."

A lawyer who specializes in obscenity is a redundancy.

Did You Hear about the tenacious lawyer whose client was hung...? ... 
He sued for whiplash.

Did you hear about the lady lawyer. She didn't die......She just lost 
her appeal.

I was absentmindedly fingering my keyboard when I typed "lawyer" and 
pressed return. Two days later a lawyer from Ceylon showed up at my 
front door.

Law is a strange thing, it makes a woman swear to tell the truth and 
every time she shows signs of doing so, some lawyer objects.


My life has the look of a casserole or a potted pie right now. My time 
is not my own. Bankruptcy court seized that also. I am living out of 
the back of my car. Do you know how difficult it is to run a desktop 
computer from the backseat of a Yugo? And the cops keep moving me. 

My phone service was disconnected because I was the only attorney who 
tried to do business from a 900 number. Verizon, formerly NY Bell, Bell 
Atlantic and Bats-in-its-belfry, as Fusspots were not amused with my 
stream of phonographic recordings on various aspects of the law. So I 
hooked up my answering machine to the pay phone downstairs. But it 
keeps getting stolen. No, not my machine, the pay phone. That's why they 
say location is everything.

I invested in a coop for carrier pigeons. I give my clients the bird. 
They communicate with me that way. But some of them go to the 
ridiculous. They send the pigeon back six, seven times, at all hours of 
the day and night.

Oh! the car. Remember I told you this 78 year old woman who backed into 
my car at a shopping center TWICE? I never told you? Well, now you know.
Then she "ran" out and shrieked at me "why were you where you knew I 
wanted to be." The insurance companies compromised on 70-30; she was 
30% at fault for backing into me and I was 70% for being there. They're 
sending me a check to cover all my damages minus 70%. Should I have my 
car fixed or spend it on a hot water heater for my office which is a 
cold water flat? 

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place 
of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer enjoying hot, passionate sex with a 
beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast 
for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful 
woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, his escorting demon snarled, 
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" 

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for. --W.C. Fields

How can all other lawyers play the make-believe that the judge is 
magnificently dressed when he has no clothes? Not only doesn't he have 
any clothes, his parade route keeps changing.  The only thing a lawyer 
won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. W.C. Fields CLASSY BUT 
UNCLASSIFIABLE

Jesus! I said. Is there a New World? --Rabelais

I asked the girl behind the counter at a bookstore café, "is that 
shortbread?" "Yes." "I'll take the long version." 

I went into a restaurant and asked the waitress why anyone would put 
chickens on a diet. What are you talking about? It says here "diet 
chicken." Sir, that is for people on a diet. 

I'm very brave generally, he went on in a low voice: only today I 
happen to have a headache. Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass, The 
Adventures of Alice in Wonderland

This is a transcript of a wrong number I got . I wanted to see how long 
I could let out the fishing line before it broke. "Can I speak to Tony? 
Who wants to know? Is this Tony? Who wants to know? Tony told me I was 
to ask for the caller’s name before I gave out that kind of personal 
information? Are you crazy? No, Tony is. Who are you? Why do you want 
to know? What is this all about? The person here goes under various 
aliases because there is a contract out for him. By the way, you sound 
like a lawyer. Do you draft contracts? O.K. really, very funny, now for 
God sake Tony is running a business, right? I don’t know. This is an 
answering service You are fooling me I’m only doing what I’m paid 
handsomely to do. I don't ask questions. You shouldn't either. Didn't 
your mother tell you it is impolite to ask strangers questions? My name 
is Charlie Fontana. For Chriss sake Tony and I go back many years. 
Charlie, I have bad news for you. Tony left for the day. In fact, he 
said if you called, he left for the month. Ha! Ha! –bang! Well at least 
we both enjoyed a few useless moments.

MY BIO

Knowing thyself is bad news. -Anon

You could use many words to describe me. You could call me humble; you 
could call me modest, you could call me unassuming. You'd be wrong, but 
you could call me these things anyway. And they might help on my resume.
 

Well, how do you like my eclectic and electric site so far? It has 
everything for nobody. Frankly, I don't like to live on streets that 
attracts too much traffic. It's noisy and you're liable to get hit, 
especially if you make the unfounded remarks I do.

I a very lonely man, obviously. but honest. I asked my girlfriend "Do 
you hate me or are you at least the exception to the rule?"